It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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