addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
