I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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