perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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