This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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