At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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