woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
