Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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