Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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