yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
