i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My pussy is not your playground.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
