I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
