There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just cropdusted the office
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
