Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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