It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
