Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
