My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
