She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
