Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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