i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
