Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to make a zoo with you.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she pinky promised me she was 18
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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