the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
