The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
