Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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