Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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