You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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