I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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