Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i now understand why vodka
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
