You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize