I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
