I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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