Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
