Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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