i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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