I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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