I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
