I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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