Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
