What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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