I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
