My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
