at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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