First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
