WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
