i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
