just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
