Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We have so much sex to catch up on
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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