dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
and you fell through a lawn chair
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
