fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
