My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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