Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize