saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
