I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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