no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
