I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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